Not Quite Middle Earth
by Semicina
Summary: Co-written with shibumillo. Two girls get casted for Lord of the Rings and get to travel to 'fake middle earth.' Lots of laughs, lots of havoc reeked, and lots of 'surprises'. Will they be kept for the whole trilogy or get booted off before the end?
1. The Beginning

Bayley and Skye sat together on the plane, jabbering away about their usual everyday subjects. Dog food, helium, the conversation, David the semen demon, Ignition, Scare Tactics, tongues, whether Orlando Bloom and Elijah Wood were hot or not, you know, the usual stuff.  
  
"Oh my God! Orlando is so mine!"  
  
"I don't care! He's ugly anyway!"  
  
"You did not just call my baby ugly!"  
  
Skye continued her ranting on Orlando Bloom and his sexiness while Bayley rolled her eyes and looked out the window, pondering why people thought that guy was so hot. Being the stranger of the two, not to say they both weren't really strange, she began to count clouds, which made her think of whipped cream, which then caused her to wonder what the equivalent of whipped cream would be to a cloud.  
  
"Bayley! Bayley!"  
  
"What is it, Pointy Ears?" Bayley replied, voice hinting of boredom.  
  
Skye whipped off one of her earphones and handed her friend one. She put it to her ear and immediately started jumping up and down. "Lady Marmalade! I love this song!!!!"  
  
She and Skye jumped in the aisle and started doing a little dance they had apparently invented, all the while belting out, "He met Marmalade down in old Moulin Rouge!"  
  
"Would the two crazed ladies please stop dancing in the aisles and resume sitting in their seats?"  
  
Bayley and Skye stopped their dance long enough to notice a flight attendant on the public address system looking directly at them. They quickly swished into their seats, but not before Skye gave her a quick flick of a certain finger, which caused a few mothers to cover their children's eyes.  
  
"What're we gunna do now?" she asked.  
  
Bayley looked at her, evil clouding her eye. "Revenge? On who?"  
  
"Someone."  
  
Skye nodded, not quite sure what her friend had in mind. She followed her to the airplane lavatory, which was a tight fit, and slid onto the sink counter. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Something special." Bayley reached into her back pocket and pulled out her special weapon. Crazy glue.  
  
"What the hell are you doing with that?!" Skye asked, suddenly covering her head in case it had anything to do with her skull.  
  
"I told you already. If you didn't listen, you'll just have to watch."  
  
"But you never told me---"  
  
"Zzzt!"  
  
"But---"  
  
"Zzzt!"  
  
"But you never---"  
  
"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzt! Zzzt! Zzzt! Zzzzzzzt!"  
  
". . .Fine."  
  
She watched Bayley carefully apply the glue to the toilet seat and finally got the idea.  
  
"You're gunna glue someone's ass to the toilet seat? That's so mean!"  
  
"No! I wouldn't do that to an innocent person! I'm doing it to the friggin' flight attendant!"  
  
"Why would you wanna do that? She just told us to sit down."  
  
"And she burned me!"  
  
"She did? When?"  
  
"When she came around with the hot towels. Know why they use tongs? 'Cuz they're hot! Clever bitch."  
  
Skye mutely agreed with her. She knew the woman wasn't exactly friendly towards them. She had given them frozen food for lunch.  
  
"Done! Now, for the funny part!" Bayley ran out of the bathroom and searched for the stewardess. When she found her, just outside the pilots' cabin, she complained, "Excuse me! Ma'am, I lost my pen in the toilet. Could you please help me get it out?"  
  
The woman looked at her, obviously disgusted with the request, but agreed. She followed her to the bathroom. She looked at Skye strangely, but knelt down next to the toilet. "Is this where you dropped it?"  
  
"Yep!" Bayley confirmed, satisfaction riding her voice.  
  
With a heavy sigh, the flight attendant placed one hand on the seat and stuck the other in the toilet. "You better have flushed," she whispered harshly, mostly to herself.  
  
After a few moments, Bayley raised an eyebrow at Skye, who, used to their mischief, knew what to do. "Oh, look!" She pulled a pen out her purse. "My pen! Thanks a lot, ma'am!"  
  
"You mean to tell me I stuck my hand in this disgusting toilet for no reason?"  
  
"Yep!" Skye smiled, and tried to contain her laughter.  
  
"Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. This is the pilot speaking. We'll be landing in New Zealand in a few minutes, so if you could please take your seats and fasten your seatbelts."  
  
Bayley and Skye waved bye to the stewardess and ran back to their seats, laughing the whole way. They could only laugh harder when they the woman screaming curses at them. "Damn it! Jim, my hand is stuck! Help me up! Ow! That hurts!"  
  
The two of them buried their heads in the their seats, trying not to be noticed, which they were doing a pretty awful job at. Finally, after awhile, they finally got control and tried to, for once, have a normal conversation.  
  
"So, think Orli will fall in love with me a first sight or get to know me, then fall in love with me?" Skye asked, dreamily thinking about her beloved.  
  
Bayley snorted with laughter. "Orli? Since when do you know his personality? Well, to answer your question, no. He's much too old for you AND he's ugly! If you actually knew him, then I wouldn't think it so weird 'cause then you'd like him for his PERSONALITY! But his looks? For all you know, he could be some crazed serial rapist."  
  
"You did NOT just call him those things! Besides, I know he isn't a serial rapist. He'd be convicted and caught if he were. Hello? Forensic scientists ring a bell?"  
  
"Ever hear of O.J. Simpson, Ms. I-Know-Everything? All Florida would have to do---"  
  
"Orlando!"  
  
"Right, right, right. All ORLANDO would have to do would is slip the judge of couple of thousand and he's off the hook!"  
  
Skye, not feeling like dealing with her friend's logic, sighed and looked out the window. How long was it before they got to New Zealand?  
  
.:»~*~«:. .:»~*~«:. .:»~*~«:.  
  
"No, no, no! It's left, left, right, right, up, back, up, up, up!" Arguing over how to do the Bunny Hop, Skye pointed at Bayley's feet.  
  
"Well, sorry if I started with my right! Let's just do it!" Bayley slung her unusually light bag over her shoulder and clasped onto Skye's shoulders.  
  
"Okay," Skye said. "Ready? Go!"  
  
The two started to Bunny Hop through the plane's door while a very annoyed line of passengers said things like, "About time!" and "Could these two please MOVE!"  
  
Bunny Hopping through the corridor, the two hummed the beat and giggled. Nothing like a good ole' Bunny hop to clear the mind. Not that they weren't already clear.  
  
"Hey, look!" Skye pointed to a group of very familiar people.  
  
"Oh, look! Isn't that nice? They came to greet us!"  
  
The continued their dance down to the four celebrities and smiled at them.  
  
"Hi! I'm Skye Soramis!"  
  
"Hola! I'm Bayley Joneston!"  
  
The people looked at them strangely, wondering why the two new cast members were dancing in an airport.  
  
"Yeah, hi...I'm---"  
  
"Or-or-orlando Bloom! Ohmigod! Ohmigod! Bales, it's CAC!" Skye had become so lost in her thoughts and ecstasy that she hadn't noticed the slur in her speech. The two giggled at the nickname they had given him. They had given almost everyone on the cast a nickname. Skye continued to gape at the actor who was beginning to question her sanity.  
  
"Don't worry 'bout her," Bayley said, noticing his confusion. "She just thinks that you're the---OW!"  
  
Skye stamped on her foot before she could say anything more.  
  
"Yeah, well, I'm Elijah Wood." One of the actors stuck out his hand.  
  
Bayley rolled her eyes. "No shit. I've only been watching you since Radio Flyer. I reeeally don't know who you---OW!"  
  
Skye stomped on her foot again. "Be nice!" she scolded.  
  
The celebrities laughed and continued to introduce themselves. Once everyone was acquainted, they walked outside to where the limousine was waiting. They all climbed in and started off towards the hotel.  
  
"What do you think will happen?" Bayley whispered to Skye.  
  
"I don't know...Who knows what the future will bring..." 


	2. Just a Few Bumps

Skye and Bayley rode to the hotel quietly pondering what they were going to do the whole time they were at the set. Finally they stopped and Liv, who had been quiet the whole time, broke the barrier of Silence.  
  
"Here, lemme help you," she said leaning over to open the car door.  
  
"Wowzas! She really does have big boo-"  
  
Skye elbowed Bayley with the strength enough to hint what was to befall her if she didn't keep her dirty mouth shut. Liv looked at them with a raised eyebrow and then quickly proceeded with opening the door. She, too, was beginning to question their demeanors.  
  
Once all out, they followed the four celebrities to the hotel doors. This is when Skye pulled Bayley by the arm and took the time to scold her for her impoliteness.  
  
"If you don't stop being so rude, I'll wa-"  
  
Skye stopped in mid-sentence and Bayley broke out laughing hysterically. Skye had just run into a revolving door.  
  
"Ouch. That's gunna hurt," said Orlando standing on the other side of the revolving door.  
  
"No Lego, it's going to feel like heaven every time you run into a door."  
  
"Oh get away from me you stupid dirty hobbit."  
  
Orlando pushed Elijah away and walked to the front desk. Liv and Billy stayed behind with Skye who had involuntary fallen into his arms after hitting the door.  
  
"Aren't the races of Middle Earth supposed to be CARING?!" He yelled furiously to the two walking away.  
  
"They couldn't have picked better people for a fellowship. Nope. I haven't even seen all 9 and already they can't stay together. Two are walking away from a medical scene two are sitting at the medical scene doing nothing and the other 5? Well, Lo-"  
  
"You aren't helping either!" Liv pleaded, voice hinting of complete annoyance.  
  
By now the other two had come back and were hovering over the scene like starving vultures.  
  
"Hey, she's pretty cute when she sleeps! She looks like an elf kinda."  
  
"Ugh, control those elf hormones of your Lego and pick this girl up," Billy said, annoyed that they could care less about what happened to the two girls.  
  
"Yea!" said Elijah in retaliation for what was said before. Liv and Orlando both shot him a shut-up glare.  
  
"You're just lucky she isn't awake. You'd need security with how close you are to her right now," Bayley teased as Orlando picked Skye's limp body out of Billy's arms, "and maybe a few extra sets of clothing while you're at it. She drools unconsciously. Lord knows what she's dreaming about in that unconscious head of hers. It's probably you na---"  
  
Billy stepped on her foot and Bayley retracted in pain.  
  
"Stupid hairy Hobbit feet!" she screamed, pushing him through the revolving doors. He ran and she continued her pursuit while Liv and Orlando made their way up with Skye's nearly life-less body.  
  
.:»~*~«:. .:»~*~«:. .:»~*~«:.  
  
"What on Middle Earth are you doing?" Skye spoke lazily as she woke up dazed. Bayley was awake already, running around their hotel suite with a sponge and a bucket of water.  
  
"Cleaning of course, what does it look like?"  
  
"Stupid cleaning obsessor," Skye mumbled as she shuffled over to help Bayley in the bathroom.  
  
"Here, take this and go clean the tub."  
  
Bayley handed Skye a bucket and a sponge and signaled her to the other side of the room. Skye, too lazy to oppose, began cleaning.  
  
"Ah! What the hell was that for?!"  
  
Bayley stood up from her cleaning soaked with shower water. Skye, with a mischevious grin on her face, continued spraying her with the showerhead from the other side of the room.  
  
"Die evil woman of the land of toilets!"  
  
Bayley, willing to play along, threw the water from her bucket in an attempt to retaliate. Both wet and soaked to the bone, running across a slippery floor, they tried to attack each other. Sponges went flying, insults went hurdling, and bodies went skidding.  
  
"Go open the door!" Skye giggled as she threw her bucket at the charging Bayley. She had just noticed that someone was knocking, but for how long?  
  
Bayley, who now had a bucket on her head, kept charging with her sponge. Not remembering that there was a barrier of soap and water between them, she tripped and flung herself against the wall. The knocking continued and was getting harder with every minute that passed by.  
  
"Bayley, contain yourself!" Skye tried to suppress herself as she strode to the door. "I'm coming!"  
  
"Skye? Bayley? Open the door!"  
  
"Bayley! Get over here! We have vi---" Skye froze as she swung the door open only to find a built body standing in front of her. She stood there, dripping wet, in sheer awe of the person standing in front of her.  
  
"You must be Skye," the man said holding out his hand for the soaked Skye to shake. Skye, being somewhat of a pessimist when it came to strangers, stood there mutely with a raised eyebrow trying to figure out who the stranger was.  
  
"That's got to be Skye Viggo! She looks just like Orla---"  
  
"Dom, that's quite enough." A head came popping out of nowhere from behind Viggo.  
  
"Oh! Ha! I get it now! Yea, I'm Skye. Or at least, probably the only Skye Orlando described to you," Skye said lightly putting her hand into Viggo's for a shake.  
  
"Can we come in?" Viggo asked with a searching glint in his eyes.  
  
"Um, yea. Sure," Skye replied with a weird look. "What are you looking for?" she asked, not being able to hold herself back anymore.  
  
"Where's the...Bayley I think her name is?"  
  
"Oh, so now she's an object to you now?"  
  
Before Skye could continue arguing, Bayley tromped out of the bathroom rubbing her side in slight pain. "I'm here," she blurted, trying to tidy herself up for the visitors.  
  
"Is she ok?" Viggo questioned, wondering what they had been doing all morning.  
  
"The queen of toilets surrenders to the ruler of the tub," Bayley mumbled as she fell onto the bed.  
  
"Let me rephrase that," Viggo said staring at them oddly, "are you guys ok?"  
  
"Oh, she's fine. Just a little um...drunk..I guess...yea...that's all," Skye answered ignoring the fact that she was included in the question as well, "just give her a few minutes."  
  
lalala to lazy to edit...sorry if some shtuff is wrong.. 


End file.
